| Thoughts Strung together. |
[12 Mar 2009|11:55pm] |
I really need to find some.. thing?
I feel as if I might be annoying people with
all this talk of apartments.. but mainly it's all i have
to talk about cuz if I talk about politics shit (or w/e you wanna
call things having to do with SDS, Weatherman, 1968 convention, Anarchism
and Socialism) people start to get defensive; you know?
But really, learning about all that listed above and
looking for apartments are the only things i have going on
in my life besides school and photography and stuff.
god, my life is becoming dull on that level though.
I'm planning to go to the
protest this weekend though.
( flier for it... go and check it out )
should be pretty sweet and then I think
I'm chillin' with rachael which should be chill as I haven't
seen her in awhile.
Jes Miller came down the other
week and got stuck her in chicago.. lol
we got bored that night so we made a few videos..
we're all also absolutely ridiculous.
( check out the vids. )
I'm lovin' the random nice days that we're
getting every once in awhile. Last friday me, michael, zach,
and kevin went over to the sea wall and i watched kevin skate and
michael extreeme wall climb. It was pretty awesome. Got to hang out with
kevin all day which was awesome. I really love that kid. I hope we get to hang out
more often. but yeah.. here's z' photos:
uhh that's all i got now.
lost my train of thought.
|
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|
[05 Mar 2009|09:43pm] |
Not gonna lie,
life has definitely slowed down... alot.
I live in the loop, I stay in the loop [generally].
I feel like all I do now is take photos, live in the dark room,
and chill at home.
Hardly any parties [ever], and even less
internetz.
But I'm not complaining.
I dig being a sort of home body
and life being as simple as eat, sleep, study, and photography.
|
|
| Lately |
[03 Mar 2009|02:37am] |
In the past two weeks:
Found out that aparently we've been out of high school long enough to start
having high school stereotyped theme parties.
Long walks in the winter are only as cold as you want them to be.
No matter what I might do to distance myself from film, I will always some how end up being involved in it. (did 2 films in one week)
1) My dream apartment.
a. one block away from kevin and michael
b. 1700 sq. ft ... with in unit washer and drier [thank god!]
c. in wicker park: close enough that if I wanna be down there I can walk or ride a bike; but far enough away that I can avoid it.
d. in my price range... actually under.
2) that me and my dad are a like in the way that sometimes when we get an idea in our head we go off the deep end with it.. or just mentally run with it. Unfortunately this time it's not to my advantage and I'm gonna have to think of damn good reasons on how to counter him and his thought process.
My friends are quiet possibly some of the funniest people that I know.
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|
[01 Mar 2009|02:58pm] |
everyone perceves that there's
drama where there really isn't.
and maybe I just
miss it.
|
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|
[16 Feb 2009|11:03pm] |
I won't lie to you
I'm really nervous.
I've been hired in the past
to shoot photos for people,
but it was never like this. In the
past the people that hired me were
generally there on the shoot with me...
I got to know them and chill with them.
But now I feel like
I've gotta make something of
greatness which probably just will not come
since it's just supposed to be photos of 2east8th.
I shouldn't be this nervous/stressed out. The photos
I took that they're buying are just ones I took while hanging out.
They're my "bull shit" photos, you know? But I don't know.
Maybe I'm just being ridiculous. It has been the overwhelming feeling
of the day anyway.
I ended up being able to ninja my way in
thanks to this girl Julianna in my photo & darkroom class.
But yeah, I feel these photos are kinda sub-par. God, i don't even
know if you can see the pac man thing at all on the building... but o well.
Photo is really kicking my ass
I think things are getting better though.
Taking photo classes is definitely a humbling experience.
Relearning things you thought you knew only to find out that
you didn't really is always pretty jaunting. It's good to be reminded that
you don't know everything and that there's ways better and/or new ways of
doing something.
I think I'm at the beginning
of possibly a new chapter in my life.
I think I'm going to cut down on the partying
and do more hanging out on the weekends. Explore
more and take advantage of the city in which i live in.
Try out a new style for my photography. Film my life more.
Maybe make a documentary or two. Spend some alone time to
myself now and again.
It's good to be alone sometimes.
I think sometime this week I may or
may not take that walk again. I really want to
find the forest reserve. OR I might just walk around at
night. I sort of ended up doing that last night and got some pretty
legit photos I guess:
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|
| The Double |
[08 Feb 2009|09:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
I'm not gonna lie,
i think i'm scared shitless.
Although my homework seems to
be evenly spaced out, my contact sheets
are due tomorrow and I've still got a roll or two
to shoot. I think it's more so the money factor that's
freaking me out. This photo class is expensive.
I was an idiot and spent it unwisely.
I think I'm gonna start budgeting my money
and do the Caro thing and not spend more than
$10 or so dollars a week. That is unless I have to get
supplies. So I will not be eating at home alot anymore.
I'll be seen more in the UC eating cafeteria food.
I need to find a job. I need to get out there and look.
I just feel so discouraged with the economy being the way it is.
I think I've felt this way about
school.. anxious, stressed, confused, ect
since 2nd semester freshman year.
In every ounce of honesty i have,
I will tell you that I am highly confused about
what it is exactly that I'm supposed to do with my
life right now and in the future.
I think I have too much
material stuff right now. There's
the most random shit laying around my apartment:
Toys, plush shark & dolphin squirt guns, ect..
I just want to get rid of some of that. I think to some
extent I'm a bit of a pack rat. I want to change this.
I don't need any of this and it just takes up space.
|
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| I'm a dick. |
[31 Jan 2009|10:09am] |
so this week has been
ridiculous. My classes seem pretty
legit although I've already dropped one class.
Now my weekend doesn't start on wednesdays
anymore but on fridays... which is fine because
you loose perspective when you start it on
wends.
I need to learn/figure out
how to budget and stick to it.
Classes and life cost too much not to.
Thursday was probably the most
ridiculous day. It was a full day.
The plan all along had been for me
to go to the American Indian Center,
Have festivus and then hang out at Tyler's
to drink a bit with just some friends.
Yeah, that got screwed around. Went
to tyler's and what was just supposed to be
us and maybe a few other people chilling turned
out to be some random ass party at Joey's place down-
stairs. Cops showed up in the middle of the party
right after I had left and idk I guess a bunch of
drama went down.
I guess I've too many (actual) friends.
I'm not saying this in pride I'm saying this
because I guess it might be turning into a problem.
I try my hardest to be there for all my friends.
But I guess because of the 1st fact, I guess
some where along the way I end up letting some one down.
In some instances,
I will admit, I guess I could
try a little harder.
|
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| Milk |
[27 Jan 2009|03:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
for reasons unknown,
Milk by Kings of Leon has become
my favorite song of late.
And basically just been diggin' them
which i guess is just breaking me out of
my acoustic niche that i've been in lately.
or maybe just a little.
( the lyrics )
I wasn't completely ready
to head back to chicago this time.
Every-time I leave, i feel more and more like
I lead this double life. In one I'm this texas girl
that everyone knows and whatever. I've got my past life
that it's like I just pick right up. BUT then there's this other
where I completely just live in chicago... and it's different. i don't
know. It's just weird. Not not really explained well. But that's it.
Since getting in,
as expected it's been ridiculously cold.
And as expected first night in I also went out to
a party to see everyone. It was really good, I loved it.
Our new roommate erin moved in and she's awesome.
She's cute and compact and adorable. I love her. I've also
met Leif's friend Drew... I'm pretty sure we've hung out everyday
since I got in. He's pretty rad. He reminds me alot of home... and it's nice.
3 days, but it feels like it's a week.
Things have to start back up again,
let the creative juices flow. Learning spanish,
learning knitting, learning music. Drawing drawing drawing.
Rolls, exposures, emulsion, emulsion, print, photo.
Oh this semester will be interesting.
The photos from the party saturday are getting edited quicker than
I thought they would.
Saturday at Tyler's, Seth's & Joel and Joey's Place:
AH! class at 8:30a. I need to sleep soon.
|
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| Wonder Calmer. |
[13 Jan 2009|02:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
He who is not him.
He who is figment of
the imagination.
Do not test it.
Do not make me curious.
Don't test the ideals, the stream,
the councous, the boundries, the reality.
To appear before me
would leave me undone.
An unravelled ball of string.
Silent. Confused. Open.
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| Progressing; regressing. |
[09 Jan 2009|11:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
what have I been doing?
I've been living in my head.
Torturing myself missing you guys
but all the while planning to leave you all.
I've started the slow aganizing
process of teaching myself a new language
and feeling as if I'm getting no where fast...
although i feel i've learned a ton.
I've been dreaming.
Been sleeping. Mouring the
loss of things that once were.
Wondering if things will be the way
there were last year. Wondering if I'll
completely loose myself and become a hermit
due to dreams and asperations. Or just loose
myself in general.
I miss chicago but I feel it'd be
no diffrent from the way things are here
right now. I'd still be a hermit.. cuz no one's
there. I'd be broke, and i'd be cold. Might as well
save up some money [kinda] and be kinda warm i guess.
There's nothing worse than looking at
photos and missing you guys... but at the same
time realizing that as things are, I'd not see if you
even if we were in the same state.. unless by fluke chance
we chose the same party or ran into each other on the side walk.
A friend once said that
it seems to him that friendships
and relationship are generally only out of
convience. I'd like not to believe him.. but it seems
to be so. We all moved out of the same building and spread
ourselves across chicago.
Maybe i'm just the/a
hermit. Maybe I'm just the only
one that doesn't go out of my way to
see everyone. It's true I don't. I need to
start. It seems rather ridiculous that I complain
but do nothing about it. At the same time, I feel as
if those people I do want to see and hang out with, I'm not
that close to. I'd like to know you all better, but as things go
everything seems pretty pass and go.
I feel I'm down
to only a few people
up there that are more than just
aquitences. Maybe it's just because every
one that's stayed up there over the breaks grew
closer to each other. Maybe not.
New years resloution:
Spend more time with people I miss
even if, as things are right now, we only
see each other at parties. I'd like to start
hangin out outside of parties. Maybe see ya'll
during the week. Hang out on weekend days.. rather
than just the nights.
will this happen.
i hope so. but as always,
we'll just have to see how things
go.
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|
| in hopes lie dreams |
[03 Jan 2009|10:54pm] |
is it terribly
selfish for me to say
that I'm incredibly tired of looking
at people's flickrs and facebooks and live journals
and seeing photo after photo of them abroad in all these different places?
I envy and despise them all at the same time.
none of this is at all their fault;
but rather mine for not having the time,
sufficient funds, or guts to go out and act on a dream
that i've had for nearly all my life.
I tell my self, "no worries, you'll live abroad
after college, that's when you'll get to do it all."
I don't know if I can stand to do that though.
every fiber in my being is telling me to leave, to explore...
that this is the time. It's my chance. The forked road is just ahead
and a decision must be made. Ahead, the road continues it's coarse,
it goes straight. Along this path I stay at Columbia and in the states.
Things go as planned. At the fork, another road curves to the right.
Along it, I take the leap, I leave the country and I study abroad. I experience
things I'd never dreamt of (like speaking in a language on a daily basis that I wasn't
taught from the cradle). I take the journey that fulfills a life dream & goal. I take
life by the horns and I live a little. It is a step in the direction of becoming the person
I'm to grow to be. Along this path, I also let people down and sacrifice more than I ever
thought I would.
If I do not take the leap now,
I don't know if there'll be a time for
me to ever do it again. There are points in
life where you must choose to do things for yourself
and not let opportunities pass you by. Sometimes it's
not merely an option of just saying 'yes'; sometimes you've
got to fight for it after saying yes to that opportunity.
I think that if all goes well
and I get the thumbs up to do it,
i'm going to have to choose this path
no matter that it'll let down some of my friends
and my brother.
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| the advisors will be my best friends. |
[02 Jan 2009|10:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
new goal:
to study abroad in
Beunos Aries, Argentina.
maybe a year, maybe a semester.
we will know
weather this will be
happening for sure come
April 1st, 2009.
I made all
B's this semester
and got a 3.0 gpa...
which with everything I got
previously rounds to about a 2.752
overall grade point average.
2.75 is exactly what i need
have to be in that program.
So needless to say, I will be pulling
a Jes Miller and being even more of a
hermit and studying my butt off this semester.
Everything rides on
what my advisor and the
international studies program says
about weather or not the program i was
looking at will meet the standards of columbia
though and weather or not I will stay on track to
graduate in 2011 by studying abroad.
So we shall see.
lets hope this goes through.
|
|
| dear 2009, |
[01 Jan 2009|12:17am] |
all I'm asking for is
a cause to donate my life to.
that's all.
|
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|
[28 Dec 2008|11:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
all in all,
i'm completely
[and utterly]
confused by life.
|
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|
[27 Dec 2008|03:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
so all in all this christmas has
been the best one that me and my family
has had [on record] in the past 10 or 12 years.
I got a lot of things that I wanted... and some that I
didn't expect... like a Medium format camera.. which is awesome.
I got some clothes, some hot chocolate, cameras [medium format and then
a 35mm manual film camera], and then various DvDs [documentaries & the heroes season 2]
and various things of necessity [i.e. toothpaste and body wash.. things like that].
It was nice having the family be a family on christmas. Seems like
in the last year or so our family's grown closer.
At the same time I'm worried.
They say that that was the worse christmas
sales in 40 years... and that there's nothing [or at least
not much] stopping us from going into a depression.
if this is the case I don't know what i'll do.
I'm an artist and no matter what, my prospects weren't
likely to be very good as such any way... but now; holy crap.
idk.
Earlier on in the year I romanticized
the chance of us having a "depression 2.0"
and how living as River Gypsies would be fun.
yeah well, truth is... a depression is never fun.
If we go into one I'm not sure what would be the
better idea:
to stay here and ride it out OR
save up my money and immigrate to the
country that is better off.
There's some things that
when you grow up and learn about
them, teachers and adults say "well you shouldn't
worry about that, that won't happen in your life time"
Well, as I recall, growing up when i learned about the depression
and some kid asked what would happen if it happened again...
our teacher said that very same thing. Well the possibility of it happening
is real now. It could NOT happen still... but it could still happen.
I guess we'll just have to ride it out to see.
I just wish i knew for sure so
that I could take all my money out of
the bank and start buying canned goods for
the long road ahead.
maybe that college money won't be for college.
maybe that'll just be for getting me the hell out of here.
who knows.
|
|
| that time of year again. |
[21 Dec 2008|11:07pm] |
soo here we are again.
back to the point where i've got to use this now once again
to [help] people know what's going on while i'm away. so weird.
What have I been doing since getting home?
Spending time with the family. Spending time with Bryan and Zetta.
Seeing Wilson [my soon to be nephew who's still cooking] in the whom.
Christmas shopping. Hanging at The Mo. Looking for a job. Hanging with Montana & Colin.
Learning Spanish. Watching movies.
what movies have I seen?:
Across the Universe
- as a filmmaker I HATE it. It was like "hey let's see how many beatles songs we can sing with as little dialogue as possible." BUT as a lover of most things 1960's... effing loved it. It was really beautiful to look at too though. So it's a real love hate relationship.
Kung Fu Panda
-fell alseep during it
Chicago 10
-I've only seen the 1st half of it so far... being obsessed with that whole event/time I love it so far.
Almost Famous
-ummm... in love with this movie.
Run Fat Boy Run
-sooo funny.. and good. I actually cried during it.. but I tried to play it off.
Spanish I've learned so far:
tarjeta: card
premio: prize
esta: this
tambien: also
nombre: name
cafetera: coffee maker
nacionalidad: nationality
profesion: profession
abogado: male lawyer
abogada: female lawyer
Espana: Spain
Alamania: Germany
su: your
cero: zero
uno: one
dos: two
thres: three
cuatro: four
cinco: five
seis: six
siete: seven
ocho: eight
nueve: nine
diez: ten
Soo so far it's been pretty good. But i'm still waiting till it gets to the point were it wears off and i'm driven insane by this place.
|
|
|
[13 Dec 2008|07:55am] |
chris has valid points.
and realizes that i get pretty
gun-hoe on things.
i'll 89% be staying at columbia.
i guess i needed a night to sleep on it.
I freak out in odd ways I guess.
I don't want to leave columbia or
chicago.
mayyybee it's my friend
from this year so far that know
me better than all the ones that i've
made here so far.
but who knows, i'll
leave the options for leaving
columbia and going to a new school
open as well as the possibility of studying in
canada.
|
|
| The American Cast System |
[13 Dec 2008|02:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
distressed |
] |
And then it happened again.
There I was sitting on the underground
train and a homeless man walked down the isles
of the train car. He wore a white hoodie with matching
white sweat pants. As he passed me, I flinched away from him..
trying not to touch him but, at the same time acted as if I
didn't see him. We all knew he was there, but didn't
want to acknowledge him. He held a flimsy paper cup as most
people that are homeless do. When he reached the front of the car
he asked us in a flimsy voice, much like his cup, to help him out by
sparing what little we could. Most of us sat there rigid ignoring him the best
we could. Others sat there blatantly laughing and making jibes at him.
But really what is so wrong with
us that we can't help out a man or any person
who quite obviously needs it? We've all generally
got change to spare. What is it going to cost us to give those
coins away? A trip to the vending machine days from now? If that's
really the case, do we really need that bag of candy or chips? Probably not.
"oh well, they're probably just going to use the money on drugs or alcohol."
First off, what makes you so better than them? You most likely will be using that
same money that you could be giving them on drugs and/or alcohol too. So it's not
as if you're being valiant in the "war on drugs" or anything by not giving money. Second,
in the situation that they're in, they probably could use a drink more than you could.
But seriously, we've been taught to look down on
those that have less than us. To feel that they all just good for nothing.
We've been taught to look at them and feel that they are some how less than human.
Not worth or time and/or efforts to help out. That they're animals. That they're dangerous.
"well what if they're not really homeless
and just dressed up as if they are just to rip us all off?"
I say, if someone has the balls/humility enough to walk up to you
and ask you for money, they probably need it more than you do. Just
give it to them.
It's a strange thing too.. because
even if we do feel compassion enough to give them
money, we still treat them as animals. less than human, not worth
our time. We walk up to them and give them money. Once the deed is done,
we turn our backs to them and don't even bother to stop and listen to them if they
happen to thank us or try to speak to us further. We give them money and return to
ignoring them. We still act as if we're above them.
We are ALL human beings
no matter where we've come from
or the type of lives that we've happen to be
leading weather it's because we've chosen that path
or just fallen into it. Nothing makes us better or less than
one another.
I am guilty of all these things.
I'm guilty of helping the American Cast System
remain. For keeping the homeless in the rank of
Untouchables. I am no better than you. You are no better
than them.
Last year I went to a gallery
with a few people that I knew.
Every piece hung up on the wall was
created by someone that was homeless.
By each piece of art, was an interview from each
of the artist. They asked the simple things like name, age,
are they still homeless and if so, how long have they been on the
streets. They also asked the harder things like their life stories, and what
they hated most about their situation. But they also asked what their philosophy
on life was. In one was a simple philosophy that struck me deeply. One man's was simply:
"pray more, take less."
I took that to heart, but tweaked it a bit.
It has be come a part of my own life philosophy:
|
|
|
[10 Dec 2008|03:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
sitting in the kitchen
talking philosophy, religion
and politics with cat and zach.
these are the
best of times.
I learn that
I don't know how
to listen as well as I'd like.
I'm still stubborn
to the core.
and I'm
refreshed and
I learn that I'm passionate.
I learn that I'm an idealist.
these are the best of times.
I will miss this.
|
|
| Points in the Plater. |
[03 Dec 2008|03:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
restless |
] |
Disappointment:
I feel like sometimes it just takes people time to grow into things. I grew into it late.. and you've not grown into it yet. I feel like you're disappointed in me. Is it because i've changed? have i changed? Is it because i'm not the girl you though I was... or is it just because we've just grown apart? We used to be so close and talk and talk when you'd come over. Now you still come over, but we don't talk. We sit in awkward silence. And I miss you.
I feel like sometimes you want to get closer to me in another way. And that kinda scares me. I draw back. I love you... but i just can't see you in that way. I don't want to ruin a good thing. I feel like i'm losing a friend and everyone is leaving.
De-Motivation:
Finals are finally here. But, had we not been working on all these papers and films that are our finals.. I feel that I could actually care more about it. But since we have been for the past four weeks, I'm not as motivated as I should be. I just can't B.S. on your paper any longer. I'll never be able to watch Some Like It Hot with the same joy ever again.
Relief:
This semester has been the worse on record. I feel like the semesters steadily get worse. But next semester i have all 1st semester freshmen classes... maybe it'll be easier? At any rate, I went home for the weekend for thanksgiving and I loved it. It was an actual break. I'll be going back home in less than two weeks which will be nice. My mom wants me to get a job and work 40 hours a week. I'm not so much up for that but i know I'll have to anyway. Maybe I should apply at: Blockbuster, the movie theater[s], starbucks, the mo, the gap, urban outfitters, american apparel, who knows. I think during winter break i will take up WoW again.
Accomplishments:
I got my 1st film Citizen in the Park up on youtube. I just finished editing my 2nd film The Treasure Chest yesterday and will be editing my 3rd film The Cynosure tomorrow and friday.
Creativity and the Lack there of:
Sad, but i realized that the only photographic work I've done all semester is just really party photos.
If you wanna get all "thoughtsy" on it.. you could say that I've done a "photographic study of the college weekend social scene in Chicago"... but lets face it. It's party photography... most of it.
Milestones:
welp, my 20th birthday is on friday... which is cool. But like every year, it will pass into obscurity cuz once again I'm not doing anything for it. Maybe sitting in with a few friends at my place and then later go to Pick Me Up.
blah. o well. should be cool. i guess.
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